WHY we live in Massachusetts

I have had something on my mind for awhile now and I feel impressed to get it out there. Maybe just for me or maybe for someone else, but either way, I would love to share my thoughts. I often ponder why? Why do we live in Massachusetts? How did we end up here? Why were we guided here? What is our 'purpose' in being here? Shawn and I have both had these thoughts. When we lived in Utah, I had encouraged Shawn to look for work outside of Utah. I knew it was a good time to do it with our young family, not rooted down yet, and flexible in our endeavors. He was not in a career job at the time and we only had one little Lanie to look after. But when the opportunity to actually move presented itself, we were both in shock. It was more than we could've ever asked for. It was a no brainer to pack up and move (across the freaking country!). When we prayed about it, and we prayed quite intently, we never received that undeniable confirmation that we were doing the right thing. But we also were never stopped in our tracks, so we moved forward. I never pictured being here this long. I never imagined starting my kids in schools here. In my head, it was a very short term, but important move for our family. But honestly, I always have imagined raising my kids in Utah. Raising them with the familiarity that is "home". Raising them close to family and friends. Raising them near grandparents! But here we are, 5 years later, still in Massachusetts, renting (not purchasing) a home, still unsure of what the heck we are doing, and yet life is good! So, what I want to say is, I have come to know WHY. Why we are here? The question that frequently goes through my mind! And there is not ONE solid answer. Because....

1. We are here to learn resilience. We have seen the darkest of darks in our journey with job loss, depression, financial struggles, etc. We experienced close to every life stress you can encounter since moving here, and we have overcome them. I know that no matter what comes our way in life, Shawn and I (and our kids) can conquer it....because we already have (in so many ways).

2. I have learned how to seek and receive answers to prayers. I have always followed a pattern of prayer that I understood. Ask of God. I would pray and ask God what I should do in certain situations. I often wanted God to map out my path and give me the answers and make the decisions for me. And I would follow! I am a very obedient spirit and this pattern seems to have worked for me thus far, BUT I have learned a new way of receiving answers. Shawn does the whole prayer thing differently. He has a situation, "studies it out in his mind" (and discusses it with his wife), MAKES A DECISION, then takes it to the Lord for confirmation. I have literally seen and experienced powerful, direct answers to prayers by using this pattern. Specific, and unexpected answers....AND I have learned how to pray! (Thank you Shawn!)

3. I was able to stand in as an escort for my dear Indian friend as she received her temple endowments. And then attend the sealing of her and her husband and watch them welcome their first child and start their eternal family. Visiting Teaching creates deep spiritual friendships!

4. My mom's family needed me! At least that's what I am told. I don't often feel like I am THAT important to be an influence on others or leave an impression on them that really matters. I don't mean this as an insult to myself, but I just try to be an instrument in the Lord's hands wherever possible and let Him guide me. Well, since I am living here, and my mom still has family in the area, I have tried to make an effort to reach out to them. In that, Shawn and I have were able to be here for the death and funeral services of my cousin, Angela. We were able to offer support where needed during that terribly difficult time for my aunt and her family. We were able to witness the change of heart and spirit over time of my aunt as the veil was thinned and she was touched by my cousin's influence. We watched my aunt return to "the fold" and make it to the temple. I was able to do the temple work for my sweet cousin and had an incredibly spiritual experience in doing so. AND.....the rest of this story is still unfolding. I don't take credit for any of this taking place (not in the slightest), but I know that I would not have been able to be an intricate part of my extended family's journey if we we did not live here. 

5. We needed time with Mickey. We needed to know directly who Aunt Mickey desired to be sealed to once she was on the other side (she had had 3 husbands). My kids needed to know "Grandma Mickey" and I needed to learn about my Great Nana and her amazing story!

6. We love diversity. Just within our ward there have been members from Brazil, India, Philippines, Taiwan, South Africa, Sierra Leon, Guatemala, etc. From all over! We are a U.S. melting pot from Virginia, Alabama, Michigan, Texas, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Iowa, New York, and Utah (and probably more that I am missing). We have a ward of musical talent like you wouldn't believe! And educational stature beyond degrees! To be honest, moving into our ward was an honor; to be among such talent and diversity was initially so intimidating, yet inspiring! I love the diversity and because of it, I understand God's love for His children even more.

7. I was placed here to meet Erin and Kim. They are my Massachusetts besties and God knew I needed local sisters. They are my go-to girls and I have such a deep love and respect for the way they mother and organize their lives. I have learned SO much from them and if/when we move, I am going to have to bring them with me!!!

8. My family needed autonomy. This is nothing against being from BIG HAPPY FAMILIES. BUT....we were finding ourselves a product of absorption. Shawn and I were not US. We were not creating US. We were going through the motions and being absorbed and pulled in a gazillion different directions. Since being here, our marriage is OURS and we have found US. We have created traditions and found our family's niche (which many of you know as our bucketlist). We are creating a life we love, free of ANY OTHER INFLUENCES. And it's been awesome. That's not to say that we don't get homesick or miss events that we badly want to attend back "home", but it just means that we needed to find US and that is part of the reason WHY we have been here!

9. My testimony needed to be tested. Shortly after we moved here, I found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was lost and depressed and in tears most of the time. One night I had a heart to heart with the Big Man, Mr. Omnipotent (that sounds blasphemous, but completely unintended that way). I was curled up in a ball, in fetal position, pouring my empty soul out to Him, begging for help (nothing I had ever done before in quite this manner as in this moment....not even on my mission). And He heard me. He answered me. And He comforted me. The answer I received in that time was, "Read your Patriarchal Blessing. Serve your husband. And write in your journal regularly." I did all 3 of these things. I pulled my blessing out instantly and read it as I sobbed. I was reminded of my value and divinity. I planned and carried out one service per month for Shawn (which I don't know if he ever knew about), and my love and appreciation for him and the life he was giving our family shined through. And I wrote in my journal, religiously, and candidly (please burn it when I die), and found great solace and therapy in doing so. But there was one thought that entered my mind during this time (and it was about 18 months worth of struggle). The recurring thought was, "Should I stop being religious? I could literally stop and no one would know or care. These people here don't know me. They wouldn't even notice if I wasn't at church. And my family back "home" would NEVER know. So should I? What do I believe; do I believe what I profess?" It wasn't necessarily doubt going through me, it was self reflection. It was a question of my true character. It was finding who I am. And do you know what? I found, that I am me! Duh, right? But really, going to church, serving, turning to God, loving my family, wanting to be the best me possible......these were all sincerely ME! If I turned away from the church, I would still be ME! I wouldn't be a drinker or a party-er. I wouldn't be promiscuous, I wouldn't desire to do evil.....that's just not me. I realized that outside of Utah, I could be whomever I wanted (without the judgment of "the bubble"- a bubble which we love btw) and that person is ME! I recognized that it wasn't about "church" and "going to church" it was about "the gospel" and "living the gospel". I realized that the gospel is who I am. I love it and I strive to live according to its teachings, and although I am imperfect, I am trying. And I love what that brings into my life!!! I don't think I would've learned this had we never left our Utah comfort zone!

10. And lastly (for now), the reason we are living here, and still here, and the main reason above all why I wanted to document my thoughts, is because I have learned to LIVE A LIFE I LOVE. All social media posts aside (which I post a lot....I know!), it is not about competition or comparisons. It is not about being better or just like someone else. It is not about perfection and out-doing each other. That is NOT why I post. And I don't necessarily feel like I have to defend why I post (especially not in this writing). It is about being authentic. Being real. And being YOU! Shawn and I love going on adventures. We are creating a life of experiences and memories. We have become tourists in our area and we have a bucketlist to accomplish this. This is OUR thing! Your thing may be something else. Something different. And that's AWESOME! I celebrate that! Since living here, and encountering many road blocks, I have learned to not plan my life and what I want it to be, but I have learned to plan how I react to what life hands me. I want to enjoy the journey and make a life that WE (Shawn, me, and the kids) enjoy. One that is pleasing not only to us, but to the Almighty. We love our adventures. We love to be out seeing the world. And we don't do it to be seen of the world. We are doing this because we have learned that as a family, we enjoy it. And we are documenting it along the way so that one day our kids can remember, or at least know, that they have amazing lives! I have learned that my house won't always be clean, I will not always be put together and ready, and sometimes (most of the time) others will see me caught in chaos, tardiness, and a frantic gathering of children. When we first moved here, I always wanted to seem put together and perfect, like life was not hard for me, and then I realized, no one relates to that and that is a standard that I cannot live up to. It did not make me happy but gave me deep stress and anxiety. Living a life I love is letting go of who I am not, and being honest with myself about who I am and what makes me happy.....and then going after it! I know that part of WHY we are living here, is so I can learn to be true to myself!!!

So there ya have it! I am so glad to get that out there and have it for future reference. I am so lucky and blessed to have an incredibly loving husband and 3 amazing kids who love me and challenge me in ways I could have never imagined. And most importantly (for this post), I am deeply grateful for the experience we have had living here and the lessons it has taught me. No matter what our future holds, I will always cherish "Our Boston Time".